Are You Scared 2

AreYou Scared 2...2009...95(ish) minutes...R...starring Tristan Wright, Chad Guerrero, Kathy Gardiner, Andrea Monier and Tony Todd...written and directed by Russell Appling and John Lands

Two guys and their female companions are a web-cache tracking team, where they track down hidden stockpiles of stuff others have hid and posted on the web. They log their exploits on the Internet as Team DNA and are on their way to being the world record holders of this variant of hide-and-seek. Needless to say, their last hunt turns into a BIT more than they bargained for.

How do I describe this movie? When I saw the title, and wondered to myself that the original title would inspire a sequel, my initial answer was "Yes.I'm scared. Scared anyone would make a franchise out of such manure". But in my wildest dreams, I could never have imagined the depths of inadequacy that this straight-to-video release would take me to.

I have found the Eleusinian Mysteries of the bad horror movie, and allow me to explain this statement. I can tell you (and I do...yeah, verily, I surely do) that this movie is bad. I can say that this is positively one of the worst pieces of crap I have wasted an hour and a half of my life on. But saying these things cannot convey to you the sheer experience of this tripe...only by watching it (and please, please don't) can you truly KNOW how bad the genre can sink to. My only question is: Why, Tony Todd, why? Did you really need the small amount of money that these people could get you -that- badly?

If you're curious, this story has nothing to do with the original. They left the original open for more, but that wouldn't have been bad enough. I'm not even sure I can point to any one thing that makes this thing so terrible; it's the perfect storm of terrible vectors that create a tsunami of tragic filmmaking. I could make better. I think I did when I was 8 or so making short movies with my action figures.

Now let me explain my rating. I give it 1/2 of a briefcase out of 5...only because deep in my soul I have the terrible knowledge that if I give this thing the zero that it truly deserves, I will somehow stumble onto something worse. I'm not sure that's possible, but by acknowledging the slimmest of possibilities, I hope to stave off a fate worse than having a 100 Cthulhu Mythos score. If you'll excuse me, I need to gargle with some Lovecraft.

Blech, uck, and barf!